The Sword of Damocles
by Pelman
Summary: He tries too hard, pretending that he doesn’t care. And sometimes…he breaks her heart. Reflections on "Fold Equity".
1. Icarus

**Disclaimer:** None of this belongs to me. Or all of it does. You decide which is the truth.

This is a new series of drabbles based on the television show"Lie to Me". The current plan is to post one drabble for each episode, but that plan remains highly fluid.

* * *

**Chapter 1: Pilot**

Lying, he had long ago decided, was how the human race communicated. Social interactions as simple as greeting one another were built on lies.

_How are you doing?_

_Fine._

Loker's 'radical honesty' was not radical so much as it was honest. But that was enough. People didn't want the truth. Didn't want to see the truth.

_You can't handle the truth…_

But he couldn't help but see. And his world darkened at the truth. It had been a long time since anything was black and white. All that was left now were shades of grey.

He had accepted that his world was irrevocably changed. It was if the gods had decreed a price be exacted, in return for giving such power to a mortal. And power Cal Lightman had.

The power to tell, at a glance, if someone was lying.

But not the power to turn it off.

And that was the price.

It had, in a way, wrecked his family and it had wrecked his friendships and it had wrecked his marriage and it had very nearly wrecked him.

Sometimes he thought that, in the end, the truth would kill him. That, like Icarus, he had flown too close to the sun and he wouldn't survive the fall.

* * *

_From the last scene from the pilot. This was an aspect of Lightman's character that I wish they would do more with on the show._


	2. Naked

**Depraved Heart**

* * *

_Did you see the agony she was hiding?_

-Lie to Me, "Depraved Heart"

* * *

He stands there in front of her, the projector playing on in the background.

Her answer is breaking his heart. And she has no idea why.

Most of the time, Lightman's face is a wall. It is a mask, betraying nothing of the man beneath. Even when she manages to "read" him, it is with the suspicion that she is seeing only what he wants her to.

But not now. Not this. He bears her scrutiny. Doesn't turn away, doesn't try to hide.

She feels almost…ashamed, seeing him like this. As if he is naked, standing there before her. In a way, he is.

But he is offering, and so she looks.

The hurt she sees takes her breath away. It is raw. Agonizing. And still he silently stands there, letting her in, letting her see the emotions that are marking his face.

He endures it silently before finally, wearily, pushing her away.

And she is left once again in the dark.

* * *

_The relationship between Torres and Lightman fascinates me. I think it's because, unlike the other main characters, she brings an outsider's perspective to the character of Lightman._


	3. The Price

**Blinded**

Some people, most people, she knew saw him as cold, ruthless. They looked at him and saw a man who would use any means to get his way. They confused action with motive.

She was not most people. She saw instead a man who was all too willing to sacrifice himself in the pursuit of the truth. But never anyone else. The line stopped there.

They thought he didn't care. She saw that he cared all too much.

He never voiced his concern. Not usually. Last night's "not worth it" was as close as he would come. But she saw it in his actions, the one arena he couldn't hide, not completely, and in what he was willing and not willing to do.

Oh, yes. She saw, only too much, what he wasn't willing to do. And what it cost him.

_Did you know?_

_No._

Lightman played God. But not because he wanted to. Because he felt he had to.

And because she knew the price he was willing to pay, she wouldn't complain about the price she sometimes had to pay.

* * *

_I think Lightman cares about the people around him a lot more than most of them realize._


	4. Unchained

**Unchained**

* * *

_Who made you who you are?_

-Lie to Me, "Unchained"

* * *

She stares at the photograph in her hands.

They have just finished a case. It has been a hard week. Old feelings, memories she thought were long buried, have been violently yanked to the surface.

She now thinks of him as Lightman-the-bastard in her head.

But he was right. And she was wrong.

And so, when he walks into her office, she knows how this is going to go.

But she is wrong again.

* * *

_I'm sorry,_ he says, _Sometimes…I see so much…_

She was fully prepared to use her anger as a shield. But this, she has no defense for. He is lying. She knows he has to be lying. So why does his face show nothing but the truth?

Suddenly, she is so tired.

Tired of dealing with Lightman. Tired of trying to figure him out. Too tired to work out whatever game he's playing now.

So she doesn't try.

But he's not done.

* * *

…_He made you what you are…_

His voice is low, his words insistent. They grab her chest and squeeze. All of a sudden she can't breathe. Part of her can't believe what he is saying. The other part can't understand why.

Still he sits there on the other side of her desk. Long-ingrained instincts keep her defenses up; keep him from breaching her walls. So she throws his words back at him.

She is unprepared for the emotions that flash across his face.

Guilt. Shame. _Agony_.

Then they are gone, so quickly she wonders if she saw them at all.

His voice, when he speaks, has a forced casualness.

_Nah, I'm not a natural…I had to learn this._

She may not know all the science, but she recognizes the deflection for what it is. So she pushes harder.

She knows he could easily end this. Tell her off. Walk out of the room.

He doesn't.

Just….sits there.

_Who made you who you are?_

* * *

Later on, she will wonder if the words were an act. Because she knows better than to believe Lightman. Except…

There is a part of her that desperately hopes it was not an act.

Because, somehow, Lightman's words lightened a burden she never knew existed.

And so it is that she wonders at the load he carries.

And whether anyone can lift it.

* * *

_I loved this scene in "Unchained". I rewatched it a couple of times while writing this piece, and it just kept getting better. _


	5. Without Words

**Do No Harm**

* * *

_I'm sorry._

_Don't be._

-Lie to Me, "Do No Harm"

* * *

She had felt his eyes on her at so many different points throughout that day. Far from being an obtrusive presence, though, they had been a comfort. A reminder. His best effort at letting her know she was Not Alone. Not while he was there. She appreciated it more than he could ever know.

He didn't use words, but she understood all the same. With each glance, the hint of concern on his face that mirrored the one in his eyes, he was speaking ever so clearly.

It was empathy beyond anything she had ever experienced. It was a bond that held them together even on the darkest days. It was a man she loved.

But they could never use words. Words would cross the line.

But he didn't need words.

Which, she reflected, was fortunate. Because this, the man who used his words as weapons, who could make them dance, and sing, and do his bidding—for all that, he was terrible at sharing anything like his feelings.

Cal Lightman had, as her profession would say, trust issues.

But his eyes never lied.

He respected her lies. He respected the line. But what he couldn't make okay he didn't run away from. Not even when she offered him a way out.

He stayed. And that only made it harder.

Because it reminded her of the other man in her life. The one who didn't stay.

* * *

_I think the most appealing part of the relationship between Lightman and Foster is the trust they share and how they're always there for each other. This episode was a great example of that._ _If life was a soundtrack, their song would be_ _"Lean on Me"._


	6. A Harsh Master

**Black Friday**

* * *

_Did you torture him before you killed him? Did you make him suffer?_

-Lie to Me, "Black Friday"

* * *

Sometimes, he hates himself. Hates the pain he uncovers, the wounds he rips open. And always he wonders, is it worth it?

Like now.

When he is forcing a family to confront a truth that is ugly. And bitter. And wrenching.

_Did you kill him?_

It is a question he has asked before. It is a question he will ask again. It twists his stomach, forcing out these words that should be every parent's worst nightmare.

_Did you kill him?_

He sees Foster wince and he knows she hates this part. He has never asked her to do it and he never will.

But the truth is a harsh master, and so he asks. And asks. And asks.

_Did you kill him?_

And then it is done.

* * *

_Some of the stuff that Cal does and says...it's not always *nice*. But what about its effect on him?_


	7. Just a Man

**Honey**

* * *

…_Can I sleep in your spare bedroom tonight if it's not too much of a problem?_

Lie to Me, "Honey"

* * *

It felt wrong, watching this. Lightman was a private person. But this, this was…_intensely_… personal.

This couldn't be happening. Not to Lightman. Not to the man who was always in control. Always.

He wasn't now.

Because the man who had been pistol whipped to the floor and shoved into a chair and now was bent almost horizontal, recoiling from the gun pointed at his head…

…That man looked all too human.

She noticed the tiredness in his eyes that he no longer bothered to hide, and the fear leaking onto his face that he could no longer completely conceal, and in that instant her world shifted.

Because the person slumped in that chair was not the world's foremost authority on deception detection, or the head of the Lightman institute, or even her boss.

He was just a man, one who had very nearly reached the end of his reserves.

________________

And then it was over. And she watched Lightman stagger out of the room.

And when he walked into the office the next day clearly determined to pretend that the whole affair had never happened, she let it go.

But she would never forget. Because Dr. Lightman might be scary good, and impossible to fool, and always in control, but underneath it all…

Cal Lightman was just a man.

And that, she wouldn't soon forget.

* * *

_This was the very first episode I watched of "Lie to Me". _


	8. Sacrifice

**Sacrifice**

* * *

_You have a talent. But…it comes with sacrifice, believe me. And it's time for you to realize that that talent...It doesn't belong to just you anymore._

Lie to Me, "Sacrifice"

* * *

He is willing to take her anger. Much of it is justified and as for the rest…well, he is willing to be the target. Torres deserves that much, at least.

But her statement strikes a chord deep inside him, unlocking doors that are better left alone. And almost without thinking the words spill out, the emotion behind them pushing with an almost physical force.

She is taken aback, he sees. But it is too late to stop.

Far too late.

Because there are some things that he will carry with him until the day he dies.

Sacrifice.

Oh, yes. He has experienced that one before.

It still tastes bitter.

* * *

_What sacrifices has Cal Lightman had to make?_


	9. The Secret

**Pilot**

* * *

_You believe whatever you want. That's what everyone else does._

-Lie to Me, "Pilot"

* * *

She has sat in on interviews with Cal before. Watched him do this a forgotten number of times. It is not unlike seeing a master craftsman at work. Watching him chisel away at his creation, smoothing here and breaking there until only one thing is left. The truth.

He is relentless.

Like now.

She walks in at the appropriate time and hands him the sheet of paper, looking, as requested, grim. There is a trust here, forged on the bonds of a thousand sunk ships of the past. If he asks, she will do it.

That was earned long ago.

She is startled, but not surprised, when she hears his words a short time later.

_I guess it doesn't matter anymore. And you're going to have to live with this, 'cause James Cole just hanged himself in his jail cell._

There are those who wonder at his success as an interrogator. They want to know The Secret. But even those who are familiar with his work assume it is just a matter of ruthlessness, a honed skill in deception detection, which bring him what he wants.

They assume wrong.

Part of it is, of course, knowledge. A lifetime spent in the grey lands of the human experience.

But some of it is personal. Fiercely personal.

There is a method to Lightman's madness. He treads precipitously along the tightrope of the path he has chosen. Because he has been there before.

And only someone who has been to the utter depths of darkness can lead another through that path again.

He knows their lies.

He knows their pain.

Physician, heal thyself.

And he uses that knowledge. At so many times, in so many cases. Because he is asking them nothing that he hasn't already asked himself.

He knows the answers.

But she worries about the cost. In a very real way, he is using a piece of himself every time he delves that close, every time he reaches once again into the deep.

The rope grows ever thinner.

One day he is going to fall. And who will be there to catch him this time?

He acts like it doesn't matter, any of this, that he can do his work and not be affected.

It's a lie.

* * *

_Cal's past is one of the most __intriguing _parts of the show. 

_And now, on a completely random sidenote, I realized today while I was writing up a new drabble that the way I was characterizing Cal Lightman was very close to my characterization of the 10th Doctor in previous stories I've written. And then I got to thinking about all the Time Lord-y ways Cal acts. Like the manic energy. And the dark past. And the complete lack of sensible fear. Also, they both do_ broody _very well. What do you think? Is he a Time Lord in disguise? (Or if you want to talk about my writing, that's okay too.)_


	10. The Core of It

****

The Core of It

* * *

_Now before I do this, I want you to know that I'm sorry._

-Lie to Me, "The Core of It"

* * *

Cal was at his desk, seated in front of some papers. But from the way his hands were bunched up in front of his eyes, she didn't think much work was being done.

He couldn't have seen her, but still he spoke.

"Go away, Foster."

The voice was tinged with exhaustion, dulled in its emotions.

Empty.

She looked at him for a long moment. He didn't meet her eyes. She sighed, before sitting down in the chair he kept across from his desk.

"You know I can't do that."

This brought the hands down, the eyes up. And she saw the anger, the frustration that flashed across his face.

"Yeah?" he said, "Well, then I will." He shoved himself up off the desk and stalked across the room. In a moment he would be out the door and—

"Cal…please."

He stopped, his figure framed in the doorway, back heaving. The moment stretched out forever…until—

His shoulders slumped almost imperceptibly.

"What do you want me to say?"

His voice almost broke her heart.

_What do you want me to say?_

* * *

It was a delicate dance. A ritual they had needed all too many times over the years.

He turned around without looking at her and paced to the back of the room.

"I'm fine," he said. He started flipping through some files.

"Cal."

He ignored her, concentrating on the files, but she could see his hands were shaking.

"Cal."

He didn't turn around, but his motions became more and more frantic, more and more desperate.

Without warning, he snatched a stack of files and hurled them against the wall. And stood there, back to her, fists clenched, breathing hard.

She knew what was coming.

He whirled around. "All right then," he said, his mouth twisted in a desperate snarl. "I'm not fine." He still didn't meet her eyes. "I'm a great big bloody bastard who gets off on threatening girls who are only a couple of years older than my daughter!"

Gillian let out a breath she didn't know she was holding.

_Oh, Cal._

"I didn't say that." She kept her voice steady.

He didn't look at her as he walked back to the desk. Then he slumped down in his chair and pressed his hands against his forehead, hiding his face behind his arms. "You knew what I was doing in that room," he said hoarsely.

She didn't look away. "Yes. Yes I did."

"Why—" He broke off.

And she watched the man in front of her, whom she had known for so many years, and chose her words carefully.

"Why are you always so willing to sacrifice Cal Lightman?"

He looked up, startled, and his eyes met hers. And for a moment she saw in those eyes the truth of her words.

Then he looked away.

"Because he deserves it." His words were harsh, the voice rough.

Her response was automatic. "No, he doesn't."

He looked back at her, almost unwillingly, face set in a rigid mask.

"Cal, I'm not going to pretend that everything that happened today was okay. But a murderer is behind bars and a young girl has her life back…because of you."

He didn't move.

She sat there for one moment, two, and then stood up and walked to the doorway. He might not believe her. Probably didn't. But saying the words…it was enough.

The softly spoken response came after she had stepped out into the hallway.

"Thanks."

She didn't know if he even intended her to hear. But she did.

And it was enough.

Gillian Foster stepped out into the night.

* * *

_We've seen how little value Cal places on his own life. I think that extends into other areas of his work, into his willingness to perform actions that others would never consider. He doesn't care what might happen to him. But I think it still affects him. On the flip side, we've seen hints throughout the series that Foster acts a sort of moral compass for Cal. And "Secret Santa" indicated that she has possibly acted as his counselor before. Lightman is very good at hiding his feelings—but I think Foster is one of the few people he will occasionally let inside._


	11. Destroyed

**The Best Policy**

* * *

_Fine. Pretend like you don't give a damn what's going on with her. I know you do._

-Lie to Me, "The Best Policy"

* * *

Anger. Shame. Scorn. Embarrassment. Disgust. Surprise. Guilt. Fear.

What is the microexpression for when you've destroyed someone's life?

He's seen it so many times on so many faces over the years. Too many faces.

He doesn't want to see it on hers.

So he respects the line. Has been respecting it for…so long, now. Most days it feels like they are locked in a delicate dance, around each other.

He knows she suspects. And he knows that she knows that _he_ suspects. But suspecting is not knowing.

It is the difference between teetering along the precipice and falling into the deep. Because that is a path from which there is no return.

It is the difference between living in the shadows and having your world suddenly and violently shattered in the light. One is irreparable. The other…perhaps it is just inevitable.

But he will not be the one to destroy it.

* * *

_Refusal to acknowledge the truth is a truly human comfort. And Lightman destroys it. _


	12. You Can't Handle the Truth

**You Can't Handle the Truth**

* * *

_The guy knew his wife was cheating on him for half their marriage—he knew his brother skimmed money from him on the cost of their mother's __funeral—__he could tell his old boss was __happy __when he got in a bad car accident. It's a __curse__. I'd kill myself if I saw what he sees._

-Eli Loker, cut scene from the "Lie to Me" Pilot

* * *

Do you want to know the exact day that you will die?

If that information was available, would you seek it out?

Or—would you shun such knowledge?

Ignorance—

—Or illumination?

Just remember, once you choose such a road—

There is no going back.

No matter how much you might want to _not see_.

So—

Is the truth worth it?

.

.

.

He used to think it was.

He doesn't anymore.

* * *

_I'm not really sure where this came from._ _Probably a tortured part of my psyche._


	13. Deflection

**Grievously Bodily Harm**

* * *

There is a reason people use deflection.

It works.

* * *

It has been a long day. Seeing Terry again, after all these years…

He knows now why they're called ghosts from the past. Because Terry was a part of his life that he thought was dead. Over. Finished.

And then this.

And so it has been a long day. He's not sure what he feels right now. And he is looking forward to going home and, for once, leaving this all behind.

But it is not to be.

When he walks into the room and sees Foster and Reynolds and Loker and Torres, he knows why they are there. And for a split-second, he wants nothing more than to just turn back around. Escape. Because he can't face this now, on top of everything.

But he's Dr. Lightman. He has to be fine. He's always fine.

And so he deflects.

It is almost too easy. He feels a twinge of disquiet at how easily they accept his words, but he shoves it aside. It's too late for those regrets.

Then he walks out, leaving a stunned room behind him.

Once he reaches the hallway, his pace unconsciously increases, driven by the need to be alone, to be somewhere he can let down his walls without anyone seeing.

He doesn't make it.

Because Foster knows him too well.

She follows him. She makes it personal. Makes it something he cannot deflect. Trapped, backed into a corner, he lashes out.

…_So anyone who wants to compete for my loyalty with Terry Marsh…not really in a fair fight._

And sees it hit home.

It is a deflection of another kind.

But at what cost?

* * *

_Lightman is very good at pushing people away. _


	14. Control

**Tractor Man**

* * *

_Are you out of your mind?_

_No, not right now. But in a couple of hours I plan to be really, very drunk._

Lie to Me, "Tractor Man"

* * *

She was surprised he admitted as much. It hinted at the strain he was under, that Cal Lightman would divulge such information willingly. Although she knew it was unlikely the others would pick up on it, even without the tension of the situation. But she did.

Cal Lightman needed to be in control. Even when he wasn't. He would and could hold to that facade even in the direst of situations. He let down his guard so rarely that every such instance was forever marked in her memory.

She wondered that they couldn't see how…personal…everything was to him. How far he would go sometimes. How hard it was for him to distance himself, to let go.

If he had his way he would work himself into the ground and keep going. Not involve anyone else. Just him.

It was what made him who he was.

She loved him for it.

She hated what it did to him.

She had seen him drunk before. It was a sign, not one that anyone else would recognize, but a sign nonetheless. A sign that things were bad enough that he didn't care if he lost control.

Even the alcohol that was shared within the confines of his office or hers, at the end of a long day or a long week...

...Or a long year. That too had a hidden meaning. He was trusting her.

And now, she was trusting him.

* * *

_I like how Gillian and Cal understand things about each other that nobody else has any clue even exists. On a different note, with the long break until new _Lie to Me_ episodes, I thought I'd ask if there are any scenes (including missing ones) from previous episodes that you'd like me to have a go at. _


	15. After the End

**Black Friday: After the End**

* * *

_He'd fit right in with us._

-Lie to Me, "Black Friday"

* * *

She says the words without thinking. Because for a moment, she had forgotten—

Everything.

________________

It is so hard, with these two sometimes. It would be so easy to pretend that…

But she and Cal made that decision long ago.

It is their line.

And if some part of her wants it to shatter into a thousand pieces…the rest of her doesn't know how. Or what—he—would do.

Because she can't lose _this_.

________________

It is late, long after even Emily has gone to bed. There is a bottle of wine on the coffee table, two glasses accompanying it.

It has been silent for a while now; Cal in his armchair and her on the couch.

It is a comfortable silence. But it is not a quiet one. She can feel there is something he wants to say, something he has been sitting on for a while now. And so when he speaks, she is not surprised.

"What Max said, earlier…"

That is all he says, before silence once again descends. He is leaving it to her. And she knows what he is talking about, knows better than to try and pretend otherwise.

_You want a kid, go have one of your own._

"He didn't know," she says quietly.

The corner of his mouth quirks up, in acknowledgement. But regret remains in the steady gaze of his eyes.

And she knows he is thinking not so much about the words as about…

Everything. The case. Thanksgiving. Her life.

If she knows nothing else about Cal, it is that he is fiercely, intensely protective.

She tries to ignore the small voice that comments, _especially towards you. _It is better not to think about that.

"Love?"

She finds her voice, knowing Cal will not take silence for an answer. "It's okay," she says.

His eyes come up at that, swinging to meet hers. She sees he recognizes the lie, but mercifully, says nothing.

And she looks down because her eyes are becoming dangerously wet. And suddenly it is too much.

A short intake of breath.

"I should go," she says, blindly starting to gather up her things.

Because if she stays here much longer she may break. She has promised herself she will never break.

Not even with Cal.

Especially with Cal.

Sometimes she doesn't know which one it is.

"Stay." His voice is soft, not a command, or even a request.

"Why?" she finds herself asking.

"Because," he says simply, and it seems as natural as breathing. "You're family."

* * *

_A little bit of fluff on Christmas Eve. And not the white stuff. Watching Black Friday, I think working on that case was harder for Gillian than it may have appeared. Because it was all about having a family, something that has been the source of a lot of pain in her life._

_This one is for_ **AmaranthineWhisper**.


	16. At Peace

**Truth or Consequences**

* * *

_He was at peace_.

-Lie to Me, "Truth or Consequences"

* * *

She watches him make the phone call, watches him closely enough that she sees the moment his body tenses up.

The action is miniscule.

But it never relaxes.

* * *

He gets off the phone.

She knows what is coming. He doesn't try to hide it from her.

"Pollack's dead. Reed shot him about 15 minutes ago."

There is no emotion to these words, no outward sign of weakness. Save, perhaps, the shadows in his eyes that grow ever darker.

And those eyes avoid meeting hers, as he says, "I need to go." And walks down the hallway without waiting for her response.

She knows she won't be able to stop him. But she can keep him from being alone.

* * *

The car ride is silent. She starts to speak. "Cal—"

He cuts her off. "Don't," he says, as he hunches over the steering wheel. "Just…don't."

The fury that steals into those words is the only emotion he will allow. "I missed it." His voice is hoarse.

Then it is silent once more, and he is staring straight ahead, not seeing the road at all, and she knows he has locked himself into his own private hell.

Again.

* * *

She longs to see the day when Cal Lightman is at peace.

But she knows that day might never come.

* * *

_I think the consequences of Lightman being "wrong" are an area that this show will be exploring in more detail. Side note: I don't think Mr. Reed was ever given a first name. Or at least I couldn't find it anywhere._


	17. A Tale of Two Offices

**Control Factor**

* * *

_Here's my card. In case you plan on making a life change._

Lie to Me, "Control Factor"

* * *

Eli Loker sat at his desk and stared at the card in front of him. The card he had been staring at for a while now.

_You run this entire lab, but I'll bet Lightman's never shown you an ounce of appreciation._

Much of what Radar had said made sense. No, more than made sense. His words justified feelings that had been roiling beneath the surface for a while now.

_He has a hard time seeing the true potential of his employees. _

Was it the truth? He'd be lying if he said Radar's offer didn't appeal to him.

Minutes stretched by until at last Loker sighed and looked at his watch. 11:36 PM. He picked up the card and placed it in his pocket, before gathering up his things. He'd be better off staring at his bedroom's ceiling than remaining here.

The darkened hallways were a testament to the late hour, but strangely, there was light coming from Lightman's office. While the man's flight had been scheduled to arrive at 8:00 this evening, no one was expecting him into work until tomorrow.

Loker hesistated, then walked further down the hallway and cautiously poked his head around the doorway. Sure enough, the head of the Lightman Group was seated at his desk, apparently going through some paperwork.

The card Radar had given him suddenly seemed to burn in his pocket.

He was positive—positive—that Lightman hadn't seen him, and when the man spoke he nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Decided to take Radar up on his offer yet?"

That was the moment Loker decided Lightman truly was omniscient.

"Uh, no. I mean, I haven't decided yet."

"You should. Good career opportunity." And now Lightman was watching him with that half-smirk and look that said _it matters precisely nothing to me_.

Ordinarily, he wouldn't respond to Lightman's gibe, but Radar's words were still bouncing around in his head and, for once, he was going to have his say.

"At least he'd pay me." The words came out more bitter than he'd intended.

Surprisingly, Lightman didn't seem angry. Instead, his gaze softened and the side of his mouth quirked up, seemingly acknowledging the truth of that statement.

And for some reason that only made Loker angrier. More words spilled out before he could stop them. "Sometimes, I don't even know why you hired me. I mean, it's not as if I do anything. Other than screw up, apparently."

Awkward silence followed. And he was surprised to see a shadow pass across Lightman's face. It almost looked like…regret?

But that couldn't be. And in the next instant it was gone. He took Lightman's continued silence as his dismissal and turned to leave.

"Loker."

He glanced back into the office. Lightman was looking at him, face inscrutable.

"I hired you because you weren't Radar."

_____________

Loker walked into Radar's office. He placed the card down on the desk.

"Here. You can have this back."

* * *

_There's a story behind Lightman and Loker. I'm sure of it. But not this story, which sadly must fall into the realm of AU. But it caught me up and wouldn't let go. _


	18. He Doesn't Know

**He Doesn't Know**

* * *

_So anyone who wants to compete for my loyalty with Terry Marsh…not really in a fair fight._

-Lie to Me, "Grievously Bodily Harm"

* * *

He doesn't know.

He implies that perhaps he doesn't trust you as much as you thought.

What he doesn't know is that you no longer trust yourself as much as you thought.

He doesn't know about the suicide attempt.

He somehow doesn't see the guardedness and shame that flashes across your face.

He doesn't know to say _it wasn't your fault_.

He doesn't know it is a lie you need to hear.

Cal Lightman only plays God.

He doesn't know.

* * *

He will find out soon enough.

Tomorrow, he will ask about the case.

But by then...the night will have passed.

The tears dried, the mask secured.

And you will tell him that you are fine.

And it will be a lie.

And he doesn't know.

* * *

You wish he did.

* * *

_This was originally an attempt to write something about_ Lack of Candor_. But I stalled out. A lot of time and words went into three different ideas that resulted in much head banging (although the one about Reynolds being visited by the ghosts of Christmas I might try to salvage), until I abandoned ship and revisited_ Grievously Bodily Harm_. The muse moves in mysterious ways…_


	19. The Other Half

**Fold Equity**

* * *

He tries too hard, pretending that he doesn't care. And sometimes…

He breaks her heart.

_________

She scares him. Because without her…

He is nothing.

_________

She has been worried about him for a while now. Ever since—

—_Is it okay if I stay in your spare bedroom tonight?_

She thought, maybe, something had changed that night. That he—

But it was wishful thinking. Because ever since then the walls have been higher than ever. And on his face, she sees…nothing.

He has shut her out.

_________

He tries to shut her out. Desperately tries to build his walls so that they cannot be breached. He has been down this road before.

He can't do it again.

_________

And now they are going to Vegas.

_________

And now they are going to Vegas.

_________

She tries to pretend she doesn't care when he accuses her of smothering.

She tries to pretend she doesn't care when he goes off with Poppy.

She tries to "embrace Vegas." She tries to be what Cal wants.

Maybe this time she'll be good enough.

_________

He'll never be good enough.

_________

She thinks that maybe, this time, Cal will see her.

She finds him in the casino. She walks up to him and stands beside him. And watches as he places the bet. And watches as he looks at her. And watches…

He calls her Foster.

A small piece of her dies inside.

_________

He watches as she comes to stand beside him. She is beautiful.

And he won't be the one to ruin that.

So he places the bet. And looks at her as he throws away…everything.

He doesn't mean the money.

_________

She doesn't care. She can't. It doesn't matter.

_________

He doesn't care. He can't. It doesn't matter.

_________

But it does.

* * *

_Relationships are complicated. _


End file.
